


Fox Red

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-18
Updated: 2005-02-18
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:30:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Fox Red and his wicked step father





	Fox Red

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

“Mulder,” Alex said, “I can’t sleep.”

 

“Rat Baby Honey,” Mulder said. “You need your rest.”

 

“I need a story to sleep,” Alex said. “This time I want it to be about a beautiful prince named Fox.”

 

“Well, there’s the fable about the time Fox had dinner with Rat and served everything in tall jars in which only his long nose would fit,” Mulder offered.

 

“No, I want one where Fox is left in the wood with the seven dwarves,” Alex said. “Walter said he would take William and I to Disneyland when I’m well enough.”

 

Sighing, Mulder groaned and said, “All right, all right, here it goes.”

 

“This story takes place in a magical kingdom. No, put down the Mickey Mouse ears. We aren't going to Disneyland. This was one of those places that never appeared on the map,” Mulder said.

 

“Oh, I know, like those little towns were strange things happen on your cases,” Alex said.

 

“Kind of like that,” Mulder agreed.

 

His eyes wistful, Mulder said,

 

”The King and Queen of the Kingdom were happy enough. They were even happier when they had a beautiful little boy and then a pretty little girl. They called the little boy Fox Red. Fox because he was one and Red because...well, because he threw awful tantrums when he didn't get his way and turned scarlet with rage. They called the little girl, Samantha. That was because the King wasn't very good in bed and the Queen watched reruns of "Bewitched" when they were making love.”

 

“Really?” Alex said. “We don’t have that problem.”

 

“We certainly don’t,” Mulder said.

 

Alas, the plot is a cruel god so the happiness went phfft right on schedule. The King was caught in a grapevine and could not get free. Shortly after that, trolls captured the little princess because her father had failed to protect her. 

 

The very unhappy Queen fell in love with a wicked King from another fairy tale. She let it be known that her husband had died even though he was still tangled in the same old vine. 

 

The new King was very wicked. He outlawed newspapers and made gossip illegal so the people wouldn't know what was going on. He made everyone bow when they passed his picture and raised taxes. He wasn't a nice guy.

 

The Wicked King was very vain. He had a magic mirror and each day would look in it to ask, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the smartest of them all?"

 

Each time the mirror would answer, "Oh you are, delightfully wicked Smoking King. You are the smartest of them all."

 

Until one day...(Gasp of astonished anticipation here) the mirror answered, "You are smart, oh Wicked King, but you are not the smartest of them all. Fox Red is smarter than you by far. And has a better ass."

 

After that, the Wicked King was baldly determined to lose his heir. He kept poking at Fox Red and saying things like, "Son, go fetch my watch at the bottom of the well." He also told Fox Red that he had made him a new basketball court, which turned out to be the next kingdom's eight-lane freeway.

 

Having been outfoxed by the clever prince, the wicked King ordered a woodcutter by the name of Walter to take Fox Red out in the wood and lose him. Walter was very unhappy about these orders. Before the Wicked King took over, Walter had been the chief of the palace guard. The Wicked King worried that Walter was still loyal to the Old King. After all, someone was sneaking food to the guy. He had demoted Walter to woodcutter and brush gatherer. Worse yet, he only paid Walter with wooden nickels, telling him that money was the root of all evil. The timber of Walter's life was rotten to the core. He wanted to branch out to some other Kingdom, but, because of his sense of duty, he couldn't, much as he pined to go.

 

Needless to say, but I'm saying it anyway, Walter was not a happy man. All that time in the woods made Walter's bark very rough and his intellect was slowing because of the hard work and misery. If you asked him a question, he was usually stumped and sat there like a lump on a log.

 

Still, as loyal as Walter was to the Queen, he was horrified when he was told to bring Fox Red out to the woods and to bring back his heart for the Wicked King to eat.

 

As he was ordered to do, Walter told the Prince that there were fairy sightings in the woods to get him to go with him. Now the Prince had never been out of the palace so he was swiftly lost in the woods. Walter looked at the beautiful Prince and could not bear the thought of killing him. Instead he slunk away and hunted until he found a hart deer, which he killed, taking the hart's heart to the Wicked King.

 

The Wicked King wasn't as smart as he thought he was. He gobbled the heart down and then laughed wickedly, looking in his magic mirror.

 

Walter would have left then and there, but he was the only one that kept the old King alive. Each night he would hack his way through the vines to keep them from strangling the King. Dawn would always come before he could free the King.

 

OooOooO

 

Meanwhile, Fox Red grew tired of looking for fairies. He was moping around the woods and wishing he had told his only friend, the scullery maid, where he had gone. Scully as she was called was a loyal friend although very short. The Prince was tall and often jumped in and out of trenches, forgetting that his friend might be trapped. Yes, he was always ditching her. Every once in a while, she would sneak in at night and bury Fox Red up to his neck in dirt to ground him, but it never worked for long.

 

Anyway, Fox Red sat down and bemoaned his fate. He was very sad and hungry. Suddenly, a lovely Rat appeared and said, "Hey, Foxy, why the long face?"

 

"I'm lost in the woods and I think my family is trying to kill me," Fox Red said. "How did you know my name?"

 

"I asked my pal," the Rat said, pointing at his shadow. "The Shadow knows."

 

"Oh," Fox Red said, "I've heard that. Does the Shadow know the way back to the palace?"

 

"Sure, but let me tell you, that's a dysfunctional family you have. Why don't I bring you to the seven dwarves instead?"

 

"That's a great idea!" Fox Red said, punching the Rat as a thank you.

 

Shortly thereafter, Fox Red arrived at the Seven Dwarves house. To his surprise, he found there were only three of them and one was normal sized and one was tall. The third one was very much a dwarf, however.

 

"Hey, what the hell is this?" Fox Red said. "I thought there was supposed to be seven of you?"

 

"Down sizing," the real dwarf said.

 

"Well, I hate to point this out, but two of you look like normal human beings," Fox Red said.

 

"Equal opportunity hiring," the bearded tall dwarf said.

 

"Got to take what ever gigs are available with the economy and all," the dwarf with long blond hair said.

 

"Oh," Fox Red said. "We thought you might let me stay here for a while."

 

"Who are we?" the dwarfish dwarf asked.

 

"Oh, me and the rat in my pocket," Fox Red said.

 

"Darn, I thought that meant you were glad to see us. However, you can hang with us," the blond dwarf said. "I'm Langly. The tall dwarf in the suit is Byers. The good-looking one is Frohike. You can keep house for us while we hack all day."

 

"Deal," said Mulder.

 

OooOooO

 

The three sort of dwarfs and Fox Red lived very happily. The three dwarfs were always belittling each other so Fox Red often had to referee. Each night he ordered take-out food and made the Rat wash the dishes. He also made the Rat clean the house after which they played Fox eats the Rat and Fox gets some Rat Tail. They were very happy.

 

Hmm, happy...but not the end? That won't do. There are rules, you know.

 

One day, the Wicked King looked in the magic mirror and asked, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall who is the smartest of them all?"

 

"You are a smarty pants in deed, but Fox Red is the smartest in the land," the mirror said.

 

"Son of a bitch!" the Wicked King said. "The woodsman lied to me."

 

Meanwhile, Walter had finally managed to free the old king. He cleverly had someone loom fake grapes and, in shorts, he put these fruits of the loom out to fool the Wicked King into thinking there was still a web of entrapping vines.

 

The Old King and the woodsman ran away to find Fox Red, but there was no trace of him in the woods. They didn't give up hope though and meandered through the forest calling his name. They found Samantha living with the trolls, but she refused to go with them. She was having too much fun harassing people on the Internet. 

 

Brave Walter and the not so brave king continued to search Far and Wide, which was the name of the forest.

 

Using his magic mirror, the Wicked King saw Fox Red in the Dwarf's cabin. He said, "When you want a dirty deed done, best do it yourself."

 

Disguised as a humble old lady, the Wicked King went to the cabin in the woods. He knocked on the door and said, "My dear boy, I am a poor woman who must sell sunflowers door to door to support herself. Won't you buy some?"

 

The rat said, "Don't Fox Red, I smell a rat."

 

Snorting, Fox Red replied, "Yeah, right, didn't you shower this morning?"

 

Disobeying the frightened rat, Fox Red grabbed a handful of seeds and gobbled them down. Swiftly, he clutched his long beautiful throat and fell to the ground. Before the rat could squeal for help, the Wicked King shoved a seed down his throat too. 

 

When the three dwarves came home, they were sad and dismayed to see the beautiful prince and his pet rat on the floor, dead.

 

The Prince was still so beautiful, that they built him a glass coffin so all could see him still. In fact so many people came to see him that they charged a fee and they became quite rich.

 

Eventually, the woodsmen and the old King heard of this miracle and rushed to see if this was Fox Red.

 

Alas, it was. The old king was a bit wishy washy so he just sat down and cried. However the woodsman was sick of taking things lying down. He wanted some top action.

 

Opening the coffin, the woodsman took the beautiful prince over his knee and spanked him soundly.

 

The Prince's nether cheeks soon ripened like scarlet apples. The heat from his sore bottom warmed his cold body from head to toe. One good swat dislodged the poisoned seed and he coughed as he came back to life. Next, the woodsman decided to spank the rat's ass. He too came back to life in his real shape of a beautiful Russian prince. Both the Fox Prince and the Rat Prince instantly fell in love with Walter, the woodsman. He gave them both woodies and made their sap rise.

 

The woodsman became rich for inventing the Walter maneuver. People loved to practice it and hardly anyone ever choked again. The sales for cushions also went exceedingly high.

 

The three men and the three dwarves would have lived happily ever after, but the old king wanted his kingdom back.

 

Therefore, Walter led them to the door. He called out, "I'm here for your head. Come out, Wicked King."

 

Of course, the Wicked King thought Walter said, "Give him head." He rushed out as the Queen had been having a lot of headaches lately.

 

Walter cut off the Wicked King's head and gave the old King back his kingdom. Meanwhile, the neighboring kingdoms had gone mad for the cloth fruit in the garden. The old king was able to make a good living making fruit of the loom underwear. The kingdom was rich and prosperous as a result.

 

Walter, the rat, and Fox Red lived happily ever after, of course. 

 

The End


End file.
